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Friday August 29

Challenge 2 Hump Week

And I'm telling you it sure as hell feels like it too! Eee gads.

This is week 6 of my 2nd 12 week challenge. It has been a very challenging week in terms of emotionally/physically etc. All of a sudden this week, cravings came out of nowhere. The mini Krackles in the candy dish on my floor were calling out to me. Krackles? Oh please..where has logic gone? I also had an awful 24 hour stomach bug. No puking (thank god, my no puking streak continues), but dizziness, nausea and other toilet troubles galore. It was not pretty. I stayed home from work on Wednesday and swapped my rest day so I could have the day completely off. You know I'm in bad shape when my food damage is 1000 calories...yikes. However, let me not kid you into thinking I was so sick that my pals Ben and Jerry were not whispering to me from the deli down the street. Yah..a bajillion fat grams worth of heavy cream and chocolate, that will make tummy better right? I didn't go there, but man it was hard.

My point is sometimes it's just plain ass whipping hard. My queasy self stumbled to the gym on thursday for spinning and today I pushed hard through my pushes. The food demons linger waiting for a weak moment. I started this challenge on fire...with that fuel injected feeling of invincibility. This week has humbled me. It may get less, but it never goes away. Fat days, distorted body image, cravings, slugness.....all demons which harbor in our subconsciousness. Our bodies were built to endure and be pushed. But our minds are generally weak. Like Ahhnie says, the mind gives up before the body does.

The light at the end of the tunnel is knowing the fire does return. That once conquered, the demon goes back to sulking in the corner until the next time. The harder you conquer, the longer he goes away.

j

8/29/2003 11:11 am link to this post

Monday August 18

Black outs, progress and fit day

And I promise you, it's all related. Trust me...muahahaha.

So I work in the city, live in Jersey and there was a gigantuan black out Thursday afternoon. It took several hours of standing in a line to finally get on a little boat going across the river to home. Power wasn't restored until Friday evening and all I can say is life is so much better with central air. Unbelievably, there were no food marathons over this nationwide disaster. No stuffin down ho hos or doing tequila shots with half the manhattan population. I even got in my workout over the weekend and spent the better part of Saturday making everything and anything I could out of the partially defrosted meat, chix breasts and 3 containers of cottage cheese. (For those wondering....a week's worth of protein pancakes, a noodle less lasagna, some soy-lime grilled chicken breasts and peppered flank steak).

I also managed to update the challenge 2 page with 4 week progress photos. My initial reaction with the measurements and pictures was wailing to my patient husband and beating my breasts with the agony of defeat. Once I got a major grip, I looked at the pictures again and saw progress...enough progress to say that 100% effort is certainly worth it. Now today I have peeked at the pictures at least 10 times and I vascillate between seeing lots of progress and seeing no progress at all. Distorted body image anyone? The saving grace in all of this is week 5 is all about drop sets. I love drop sets. Today my thighs quivered and shook as I climbed the stairs out of the gym. I was so pumped about my leg workout that I even threw in a few calf raises and some squats during each pee break...I'm psycho. And I love fit day.

I really used to detest fit day, but that was only because I didn't understand it. See I thought with the customized foods, that I had to enter in all the iron, zinc yadda yadda in order for it to save. This to me seemed like a colossal waste of my precious time. Now that I have discovered that I don't have to do this, I think it's the greatest free thing on the internet apart from Skwigg's blog and the Lean and Strong Board. For those kooky fellow fruit loops that want to check out what I'm eating...here ya go:

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=greysangel

I am in no way however using it to replace my paper journal. I cling to my paper journal. Plus, had I relied on fit day, I may have indeed had a bingeathon during the blackout as I had no where to be "accountable".

Ahh....see grasshoppah...full circle.

JeAnne


8/18/2003 04:54 pm link to this post

Monday August 11

You know it's summer....

when you have to choose between pantyhose and chaffing thighs.

It's the little things I look forward to in this transformation. I mean, I'm no longer expecting to have humungous quality of life changing differences with the remainder of weight I have to lose like I did the first 100 pounds. But I would love to walk through the hot summer streets with pantyhose free legs and inner thighs feeling the breeze. Not so much to ask is it?

So I'm on week four of my second challenge. I have been my own R.Lee Ermey on this challenge. There have been no extra licks, no tic tacs or cream savers. Nada. Nyet. My daily calorie average (including free day) is around 1700...well in the weight loss range according to Mr. Hussman I've zig zagged, cottage cheesed, journaled and worked my arse off in the gym with no missed workouts.

There had better be a difference between 85% effort and 100% effort.

Will you all send me some good vibes on Saturday?

JeAnne

8/11/2003 04:50 pm link to this post

Tuesday August 5

Food

My handsome rugged Scotsman has a turkey sandwich every day for lunch. I've tried taunting him with honey ham and coaxing him with roast beast..but the man is perfectly content with turkey and cheese. On a roll. With a yogurt drink. Ad infinitum. To him, it's only food.

I remember the first time he said that to me and I nearly choked and expired on my forkful. Only food? *ONLY* food? When has it ever been ONLY food?

My entire life seems to have revolved around food at one time or another. Food was used for reward, bribery or taken away for punishment. The big events in my life are marked by my highest and my lowest numbers. Mom sending me to Portugal so she could move in with soon to be dad #2 without me around...high. Graduation from high school (escaping them?) ....low. Freshman year of college and discovering the gym and what I thought was true love...low. Two years of an abusive relationship with someone whose sexuality was in question...high. Moving to NYC (escaping again?)...low. Being alone in the city, being broke in the city, hating living the life of a singer...high. Food has always been a release, an escape, a comfort, a love, a sensatory experience, a curse, a chore, a fear.

Part of my new found hope with body for life is my coming to terms with accepting a meal for what it is...food. I mean let's get real, there is not much comfort in cottage cheese. Nor is there sweet numbing release found in yams or barley. And yet there is a queer sort of comfort in organized eating. There is never a need for panic, because a meal is only ever a couple of hours away.

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need. Despite everything, I feel more like I'm getting what I need than ever before.

JeAnne

8/5/2003 04:49 pm link to this post

Friday August 1

Thoughts and Ramblings

I must be manic because I can go from feeling totally pumped and on fire to completely down on my progress in less than five seconds flat. Thankfully the fire is strong enough that I am not sinking into the temptation that is giving in and indulging in all the things I deprive myself of day after day after day. After talking to some old friends from the Weight Watchers boards, I know I should feel grateful that in my two and a half year journey I have not taken any steps back. So many people I started with have either given up or have put back some of the weight they fought hard to lose. I am grateful and at the same time feel cheated. I feel cheated that I'm not at goal yet and am struggling to drop a size, drop some weight ...something. I keep talking myself into believing that my body is just being stubborn, that I'm building muscle and that I'm just suffering from what a friend of mine calls FFS or former fatty syndrome. The syndrome being that once the weight was melting off and I could not keep my closet up I was dropping so fast. Rewards were immediate visually, physically and mentally. Now I have to cheer when I see the shadow of a tricep or when I can see light between the tops of my thighs. Size 14 seems to last forever even though I have gone through plus 14, woman's 14 and now misses 14. Will the size 12 forever elude me? Where is the transformation that I see others having? I keep rubbing the buddha at night and chanting affirmations that the next day it will have moved onto another plane of existence and yet wake up with no such luck. Is there a lower set point on the horizon? Do people look at me and see failure? Are my words empty because I'm not losing anymore? Will tomorrow bring me one step closer to my goals? I'm walking the walk, talking the talk and deserve results.

And I won't quit.

JeAnne

8/1/2003 03:35 pm link to this post