Web Haunts

Friday September 26

"The angel and the devil"

You know how when faced with a temptation, people on tv always have that caricature angel on one shoulder and devil on the other?

Well, that's how I currently feel and yet there's no temptation to speak of.

The angel pats me on the back and tells me I look great, feel good and life is a.o.k. She tells me that I've had an incredible journey and that I have nothing to worry about...the potential of the future looks promising. Concentrate on what I have instead of what I have not.

The devil says what a crock of shit. She pokes me with her pitchfork and says the only transforming I've done in the past 12 months is internally. How long do I go on believing the changes are happening "under the hood"? How long do I plug away eating my oats and chicken breasts and believe that change is soon to come?

So the problem becomes, where do I go next? Is it possible to seek out another weight loss method without turning into psycho, obsessive, scale pounding freak? Is it possible to be happy with the now without settling for it? Is it going to be bodyrx or camp pam or vegetarian times or the subway diet?

In the midst of the ensuing battles occuring between my shoulders, one thing is clear. Body for Life is not transforming me. Bill Phillips does not have the answers for me. Weight Watchers didn't have answers for me.

Who does?

J

9/26/2003 03:46 pm link to this post

Monday September 15

"Hungry like the Wolf"

Thanks to a fabulous blog entry (Thanks Renee!) I found out I'm a wolf. Who knew? Pretty cool, eh?

Wolf
Genera and species: Canis Lupus
Collective Term: A pack of wolves
Description
The rugged wolf is athletic, good-looking and brims with self-confidence. A close relative of the domestic dog, it is stronger and more aggressive, managing to generate notoriety wherever it marks its territory. The wolf's dark reputation is mainly due to jealousy of its consistent success in work and romance. A wolf in full stride is quite impressive. Firing orders at subordinates while on the phone to customers -- no one can get the job done quite as efficiently as the wolf.

With an innate understanding of the value of teamwork, it's always ready to take its place in the chain of command -- either as leader or as simply a member of the pack. When a wolf decides to innovate, it makes sure that it has the backing of a capable team. In many ways, President Bush is an example of a wolf who owes much of his success to his team of lawyers, advisors, and supporters. This wolf is clear-headed and strong-minded -- always willing to compromise in the interests of getting a job done.

The wolf insists on fidelity from its mate, but even after its partner has sworn its devotion, the wolf must battle its canine hormones that drive it to distraction. On the positive side of the ledger, the wolf makes a gallant effort to remain faithful; satisfying its haunting need for romance through its strong platonic friendships. (At least that's what we're told) Deep down though, the wolf is still a puppy dog and its controlled exterior often masks a sentimental emotional core.

Wolves are facially expressive and readily communicate their emotional states with body language. They work hard at developing their social relationships, although, unlike their cousin the dog, they are quick to anger when they sense threats to the social order. When confrontations occurs, they sometimes react suddenly and violently, barking displeasure at offending subordinates. Close companions know to avoid their biting tongue until they resume their normal gregarious behavior.

Friendly and generous with those they consider to be peers, they have a tendency to show scant regard to those beneath them on the food chain. Sheep, deer, cottontails, prairie dogs and other small mammals are thus advised to show them appropriate respect, or risk being overwhelmed by their aggressive natures.

The wolf pulls no punches when communicating with its peers, for there is nothing that a wolf detests more than a yes-man. The truth must be told and damn the consequences. Those unable to handle its steely straightforward style are quickly relegated to the rear of the pack, while those who demonstrate courage are allowed to run alongside. Lions, eagles, wild dogs, tigers and bears are among the wolf's first choices as teammates in the race of life.

Careers and Hobbies
Law enforcement Soldier
Medical fields Trial Lawyer

Team sports Outdoor activities
Theater Debating

Famous Wolves
Christian Slater, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton




9/15/2003 03:31 pm link to this post

Revelations

Well, I’ve been kinda quiet around here, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.
I may be strong, but I'm not perfect. I've had my moments, but I have to say I think I've earned better results than what I've got. Oh well…life is a big in your face be-otch. Mom was right with one thing…who the heck ever said that life was fair? After blattin’ and bawling over my lack of week 4 results (yes, I know I’m in week 9, but I’m back tracking here and it’s taken this long to process), my hub said something that was kind of thought provoking (we love when they do that). He basically told me that 1) I haven't been this small since about 12 and 2) I've never been this healthy. He said that I should not beat myself up so badly about it and just enjoy where I am. To forget about the scale and make the challenges about strength and fitness accomplishments. And finally he made me cry by telling me I'm one sexy mamma even if I never dropped another pound. And you know what? HE'S RIGHT!!!! It's applying this knowledge that is the hard part. I mean, why am I killing myself over this? It's not worth it and it's not oh, I want to go back to eating myself into oblivion and not working out. But I really thought about this. I mean what would my life be like if I were at goal? I would eat healthy 95% of the time and exercise because that's the person I am now. I would feel comfortable in my own skin. Free. I wouldn’t be obsessed over a number, or manipulating food in order to get a temporary body result. So why shouldn't I just accept where I am now, appreciate what I have and work towards achieving supreme fitness? Maybe my body could change if I could first learn to love the size 14 I am? Why not just keep doing what I’m doing instead of the constant questioning of techniques and stuff that I think is fucking with my head?

There's nothing I've always wanted to do since I was heavy because I'm a totally different person now. If you asked me at 339 pounds what I've always wanted to do, I would have said little things that "normal sized" people take for granted. Things like walking into any clothing store and picking out something, walking into any drugstore for pantyhose, being able to sit in a chair without worrying about it breaking, eating in public without worrying about people staring. Dancing, running, moving with ease and freedom. Now I am living the life I have always wanted. I have the love of my life, I have the ability to communicate with others and share my experiences, I have the freedom of my body and the connection to my spirit. All the things I dream about doing now are things that would be fun, but not dreams per se. Things like getting a tattoo, going to burning man, running races, taking martial arts and tango lessons, doing a modeling session, riding all the rides at the amusement park...all things I will get around to, but not life altering. As for dreams now, I wish to some day be able to dedicate my time to helping others lose weight, get fit, believe in them. I'm not sure how I'll do it or if it will ever be a job, but that's the dream.

So with all these things in mind, I have made a promise to myself to live like I'm at goal which means embracing the size 14 body I have TODAY. That is the only thing that is keeping me from being the me I want to be. Negativity...scale/size obsession...impatience about getting "there" (wherever there is). If I concentrate more on the blessed dissatisfaction that comes with wanting to be stronger/fitter/better and less on the painful dissatisfaction that comes with feeling insecure/inferior/incomplete I am already the me I want to be!!!

Now who’s going to rub their buddhas with me, and think nice loving thoughts about our bodies for a change? Our spirits our strong. We're just trying to match the outside with the inside. We can do it!

JeAnne






9/15/2003 02:50 pm link to this post

Tuesday September 2

Best compliment ever.

My longest standing "best compliment regarding weight loss ever" was replaced this past Sunday. Up until Sunday, the title holder was the personal trainer who gave me my free orientation when I joined my new gym back in March. We were doing the little session where she shows me all the weights and she called me hard core. Me. Hardcore. WOO HOO... pretty frickin cool.

Well, this past Sunday hub and I went to a friends house for a Labor Day BBQ. We got to meet some new folks, have some fun. I'll all stylin in my new mules and this guy says, "do you get that you look like Ally Sheedy a lot?" HUH? Ally Sheedy? Skinny breakfast club Ally Sheedy? And then there were others there and they all agreed that they could definitely see the resemblance. I had to completely bite my tongue from saying, "Well no...I actually always hear that I look like someone's Aunt Bertha, cousin Betty or their Mother Superior from Catholic School days. Then I thought that it had been awhile since I was compared to anyone.

I'll take the new comparison thanks :D :D

For the record, the worst compliment ever still stands holding the title for I think over a year now. A co-employee at my hubby's work exclaimed upon seeing me, "why, you're a shadow of your former self!!!" Gee, thanks. Like how was I supposed to respond to this? Color me confused, but I thought the extra poundage was actually what was casting the shadows in my life!

That's all right. We still mock her.


JeAnne

9/2/2003 04:32 pm link to this post