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Saturday December 27

Facing the music.

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope you have all survived on of the most wonderful and stressful times of the year. I had a great holiday with the hub despite a very bad cold which after days of sort of feeling not quite right, decided to come on full force. I also faced the scale after a couple of months of living in pseudo effort land. I went into my closet and realized I had been avoiding some of the sexy but snug clothing so while technically I'm still in the same size, I'm in the more "comfortable" side of 14. I decided that I am not going to spend the rest of the winter in hideable sweaters and got on the scale.

For those that think I think I'm perfect or self righteous, here's your moment: I've gained. I'm 6 lbs up from my high plateau range and 10 lbs from onederland. That, for me, is the wake up call to get my ass in gear. I've legitimately plateaued, I've stepped back from scale obsession, I've maintained and now I've gained. Only the last one is completely unacceptable. I've exercised and journaled, but I've broken my own rule which is to be consistent. Since going on vacation, I've not been consistent in my mindset and in my eating. My exercise has been consistent thankfully otherwise I probably would have gained more.

So the time has come to be vigilant once again. I can accept never dropping under 198, but I cannot accept weight gain. If I accept 10 lbs, I can in time accept 110. I'm giving myself until my wedding anniversary (March 25) to get my shit in gear and do this like I know I can. If I do not at least get back to my plateau weight by then, I will rejoin Weight Watchers...not because I believe they are the only thing that works, but because it will hold me financially and socially accountable.

For those of you who still believe in me, thanks! Your support means a lot and I will continue to do my best to be brutally honest. By now you all know that the struggle never ends. The weight may come off, you may get to goal, but the struggle never ends.

JeAnne

12/27/2003 09:36 am link to this post

Thursday December 18

"Waking up with wonder"

I love that word “wonder”. To be filled with wonder is kind of an awesome thing as it sort of encompasses all the goodies like eagerness, excitement, anticipation and awe. My little journal tells me this month that I should wake up every morning with the thought that something wonderful is going to happen. Wouldn’t that be totally cool? To be able to wake up with the feeling that everyday is like your favorite day of the year. To be totally excited about what was coming around the corner.

Unfortunately, most times I do not wake up this way …although my ‘cannot speak before coffee’ husband claims I do it more than the average bear. Most of the time I wake up to a duel between the inner voices. There is the voice that quite likes patting the puppy, rolling over and cuddling into the warm Scotsman for some more sleep. There is also the voice that actually has constant recognition of post sweat JeAnne. It kills me that no matter how much I like breaking a sweat (honest), every morning it’s the same 3 minute tug of war until I remove my clutched grip from the down comforter. An old trainer of mine told me that the hardest part of a workout is the five minutes before you decide to actually go to the gym. So true.

However, this morning I did wake up filled with wonder...the wonder that is Cyndi Lauper. Hub and I are going to see the 80’s diva tonight at the Beacon Theater and we’re both very excited. It’s true – we’re both 80’s sluts. Never have we been so excited about television as when “I love the 80’s” series appeared on VH1. Well, with the exception of Buffy maybe. Growing up, there was a definite division between Madonna and Lauper lovers….maybe yesterday’s Aguilerra vs. Spears? While I don’t have a strong opinion of either Britney or Christina, I do know that in my heart there was room to love both Madonna and Cyndi (and Duran Duran). Today I still love both.

I love Madonna through her transgressions and transformations. It never ceases to amaze me how she keeps reinventing the wheel and as far as I’m concerned she has yet to really jump the shark. There were times I thought she would never pull off whatever MO she was going for at the time and yet somehow she did. She is a metamorphosis and hell, great dance music.

Cyndi has also survived over the years in a different way. Her individuality, quirkiness, quiet personal life and larger than life stage presence has been unfaltering over the years. Listening to her latest torch songs and classics re-mixed, it’s obvious her chops have evolved…damn the bitch can sing! But she’s also evolved as an artist without changing all the things that make her wonderful. Her style has survived big hair and shoulder pads, grunge, punk, techno pop, house, industrial and at least fifty other musical genres.

I think my personal journey is more like a Cyndi Lauper evolution than a Madonna metamorphosis. I have grown adding gifts and tools to my belt as well as shedding some skin without changing the person I am and the vision of who I want to be.


12/18/2003 03:42 pm link to this post

Wednesday December 17

"Bitching part II"

Ok the only thing worse than being sick of food and everyone's overdoing it mentality is that they always pre empt their indulgence by saying stupid shit like "I really shouldn't" or "oh I'm so bad" or "only this once" or "I didn't have lunch today" or "I'll have to have salad for dinner". WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?! I don't freaking care if you missed lunch and if you shouldn't, well then don't. I have yet to see two people in a row hit the goodies and just say "oooh BOY!" Better yet, just freaking eat it. Or not. In the famous words of my buddy Kim over at Lean and Strong , we choose whether we struggle or not. Hard to keep in mind in crappy situations, but still true nonetheless.

And yay it's raining. No...actually pouring. On a totally fanfreakingtastic note, not only did I get another punch today, but a new kick and two new stances. WAHOO!!!!

JeAnne



12/17/2003 09:53 am link to this post

Tuesday December 16

"Bah freaking humbug"

I'm not sure if anyone is reading but this is therapeutic and there's not much happening at work right now so what the hell.

It's official: I'm completely over food right now. Sick of it, over it, disgusted by it. Last night was the company holiday soiree. Words cannot even begin to describe the utter disappointment this function was. First off, it was an Atkin's worst possible nightmare..hell it was my worst nightmare. Well, scratch that because my worst possible nightmare would be locked in a room with every single food I love and adore and fantasize about. So second to that is in a room with a shit load of people I don't know with horrible food everywhere. My first disappointment of the evening was finding out it was standup buffet style appetizers as opposed to a meal. Buffets are gross. I know they are supposed to be great but the idea of this food being around forever with tons of people hovering over it just gives me the heebie geebies. Secondly..standing up. I hate eating and standing up and do it when I absolutely have no other choice. Never mind nibbling, holding a fork/plate/napkin/drink glass and expected to shake hands with people and try to engage in some sort of treaklish conversation. I can't do it. So I spent the evening standing in heels trying to sip from a glass and keep a cracker on a plate at the same time. Mind you, there were about 5 tables and about 150 people. Of course the people that got there first hoarded the tables and sat there all night regardless of whether they were eating or not. I'm not sure which is more of a peeve, but both of those things piss me off as well. Next on my bitch list for this event is the food. Ok, this was Tavern on the Green. I had never been to Tavern on the Green but I was certainly expecting something special. Visually Tavern on the Green made me want to hurl like I've been on the scariest roller coaster in the world for an hour...after eating bad seafood. It has got to be the most garish freak show looking place I've ever been to. Over the top is putting it nicely. Mirrors, glass, lights, decorations, gilded chandeliers everywhere. I felt like I was in Liberace's freaking boudoir. Oh pooh, I was supposed to be kvetching about the food. Well it was shameful. The protein food group was covered by cheeses, sausage, salami and seafood in cream sauce. The vegetables were all adulterated by whips, spreads and sauces. The only fruit was in the filled cookies apart from some sad looking grapes on the cheese tray. The grains there was a plenty all in the color white...mainly pasta and cookies.

So I left there starved after spending far too many calories on pasta with broccoli rabe on there and a couple chunks o cheese and grabbed some deli turkey on the way home.

I come to work today. There is chocolate, candy, cookies, truffles, champagne everywhere. Not to mention that I also have conference rooms on my floor and there are celebrations going on everyday with lunches and desserts. Ugh. I'm just sick of the "overdoing" mentality everyone is in right now. It's too freaking hard on a regular basis, never mind when the rest of the world is saying who cares? We'll worry about it January 1!!!

Ugh.

Please pass me a vegetable. Any vegetable as long as it's raw.

J

12/16/2003 12:52 pm link to this post

Monday December 15

"Stigmata"

So last night I collapsed onto the couch after a full blown baking frenzy weekend. Not much on the telly so I got pulled into the Enigma music and decided to watch this discovery program on stigmatics. For those of you who don't know, a stigmata is a marking and refers to the markings of Christ's passion. Spontaneous bleeding of hands, feet, side, head, eyes...one of the above or all of the above. So this program was going through some of the more famous stigmatics in history from St. Francis of Assisi to a woman in England in the 1990s. Stigmatics usually devote their lives to prayer and it seems as though would spend their lives either in religious ecstacy or in great amounts of pain and discomfort. The church has never embraced this phenomenon as a miracle, and yet a few of these people have gone on to be sainted or canonized.

The most fascinating (and relevant to a weight/health blog) aspect is that the large scientific explanation is the power of the mind. It's not some whacko drilling nails into his/her hands and feet. This is happening to people who are so reverent in their prayer that they go into some trance like hypnotic state. From their belief and concentration to their devotion comes the physical manifestation of what they have been visually connected to ie. a representation of Christ's crucifixion. This doctor in Germany has been actually able to hypnotize certain people and cause them to raise welts on their hands after just telling them they are touching a hot stove. One patient was able to bleed from the forehead as if she were being fitted with a crown of thorns.

What's amazing to me is the power of suggestion and just how much our mental beliefs if strong enough influence our physical presence. How much would I be able to change by sending constant positive messages to myself instead of spending energy to fight off the negative ones?

12/15/2003 11:38 am link to this post

Monday December 8

"To bake or not to bake..."

that was my question.

Mom never really liked baking apart from Portuguese sweet bread (which always rocked), so I didn't grow up with the baking bug like I did the cooking bug. Mom always had my aunt bring dessert for Thanksgiving dinner etc and other times, dessert when it happened was along the lines of pudding or ice cream. Most of the time it didn't happen because dessert was a definite road to obesity...not huge portions, sneaking food or an overal excess in calories. After all food is love, unless it's dessert and then it's bad.

When I graduated to my own kitchen, I still avoided baking...largely because I didn't like the idea of being super precise with a recipe. I avoided yeast like the plague and figured my cake would flop if I had a smidge too much or too little flour. I still to this day don't have much patience for spooning flour into a cup, waiting for butter to come to room temperature etc..

So baking oddly enough came with Weight Watchers. I really loved the whole points idea of "anything is possible as long as you count for it". So I started baking...baking something sweet once a week for hub and I, baking cakes for holidays and birthdays, even forraying into breads.

Now with the whole whole foods thang, baking is definitely on the back burner. Once in awhile, hub gets bread pudding, a crisp, tiramisu or oatmeal cookies..but none of those things really get the mouth juices flowing for me so it's a non issue. But once a year is Christmas. And cookies. And goodies. I love it. It is only one time a year that I can really go into full blown baking frenzy. It's something I really enjoy...there are feelings that I receive by giving in this way that gives me great pleasure. I decided to bake because I feel like I would be missing out if I didn't do it. It's one or two days. My plan is to make a baggie for me just like I'm making for everyone else. And that's it. When it's gone, it's gone. I'm hoping my frame of mind will allow me to enjoy them one at a time, but if not, there's only so much damage one bag will do. So that's that decision. I have three kinds of cookie dough sitting in the freezer as we speak and I'm really looking forward to next weekend which is when the flour will be flying and the oven a hummin.

As to other updates, I have to admit this naturopath thing is like out the window for awhile...not totally, but the window is open and my feetsies are dangling in the breeze. I'm doing it like 60% and then falling back to calorie journaling and BFL style eats (pro/carb balance). Not exactly living high on the hog. It's a compromise and another decision. While I would love to give it a 100% effort, it's just not happening over the holidays. My priority is to eat healthy and mindfully over the next month. I don't want to be so obsessive and then "blow it". I would rather stay on an even keel throughout. So far so good.

I love love love kung fu...it's challenging as all hell and I get anxiety the night before class, but I love it. Today was a lot of running. You know that point where you honestly feel you are going to puke? I got there about 3 times. And just when I was ready to pack it in and jog in place, the instructor called time. WOO HOO! I am for the most part keeping up...except for push ups. I feel good. And for the first time in about 3 years that's all I really care about. Really.

JeAnne



12/8/2003 03:59 pm link to this post

Friday December 5

"Snow"

Just how the hell does my brain associate snow with food? It's snowing like crazy here in the big city. I had to run out to Syms today to get a pair of boots that do not have a 3" heel and are waterproof ($30 Tims btw...YAY ME!). On the way back I decided I did not want my paltry pork stir fry leftovers that were waiting for me in the pantry. I have discovered long ago that when I have a really strong opinion about food I don't want, it's best to get something else. Forcing something I really don't want always leads to Trouble with a capital T. So I stopped at the wondrous anything you want you can have deli across from work on my way back from scoring the Tims. I ran a hand over the Cool Ranch Doritos. I smelled the vat-o-chili steaming and thought about how wonderful that would be ladeled over a heaping bowl of mashed potatoes. I fantasized about dipping the mocha madness brownie into a large hot chocolate. *sigh* I settled on a tuna salad sandwich...definitely high in points for what it is, but 1)I really love tuna salad from the deli, 2)I skipped the cool ranch which I usually layer the sandwich with and 3)not nearly as damaging as even the mocha madness brownie...never mind the chili and taters.

But what is it about snow and food?

JeAnne

12/5/2003 02:24 pm link to this post

Monday December 1

I'm thankful Thanksgiving only comes once a year for starters.

Most of the time, it's manageable to deprive yourself of delicious food by thinking of the greater individual good...namely not having to work your butt off to lose weight you already lost once (or twice). However, thanksgiving is just one of those days where the id is screaming "I WANT IT ALL!!!!" I don't want to be good dammit. I want pie, stuffing, turkey, gravy, the works. And you know it will make you feel too stuffed to breathe and you know you'll feel like a big giant slug, but you still want it because let's face it: IT TASTES GOOD. It feels good going in the belly. The mouth doesn't do the happy dance with cottage cheese and cucumber wedges. So Thanksgiving wasn't a total bust for me...I managed to just say no to the "no big whoop" sides and focus on the important bits that pretty much only come once a year. Hardly naturopathic though. And there was the vanilla wafer incident. See, there was my torte recipe that called for 1/2 cup of crushed vanilla wafers. Well the incident took place with the rest of the box through the course of my day in the kitchen. But moving on...

I can't say I'm on board the food is fuel and I feel fabulous train. I'm more in "Eh, just trying to eat healthy" mode. It's hard to muster up excitement when the scale hasn't moved in a year. It's hard to muster up enthusiasm for whole foods while all around you everyone in the universe is giving you permission to eat to your heart's content. What is giving me a big happy these days is kung fu. I returned to class today and lo and behold, was able to retain what I learned last week...and I got a new punch! Today's calisthenics was all about running. Running in circles around the floor (I'm not only the heaviest but the shortest in the class) followed by pushups, running and dodging obstacles followed by sit ups, running backwards followed by stretching. I must admit I had a serious inferiority flashback to my days of being picked last for any team in gym class. The instructor warned me in the beginning of class about the impending doom...I mean running. He told me to go at my pace and jog in place if I need to catch my breath. So I had a moment of "Wah, he's saying that because I'M FAT!!!!" "WAH, I bet he doesn't warn anybody else!" "WAH, I'm not good enough". And I had to stop myself. Wait a minute, I thought. I am here! I am strong enough, good enough and capable enough to be here. Nobody runs a marathon on their first week of training. So I sort of got over my big bad self and then the good ole fashioned pride kicked in as I heaved and panted my way through the session. But hey, no jogging in place for this gal. Screw that.

So my new year's resolution is to really...really....I MEAN REALLY get over this number/losing weight thing. It's not I want to give up. But I want to stop wasting precious hours obsessing over never being thin. Will my quality of life change dramatically 10 or 20 pounds from now? Certainly not like it did from 340. I tend to eat better and feel better about myself when I'm focusing on what I am doing now versus not being "there" yet. It's a constant struggle. I feel like I'm done with it for good and then I get this overwhelming desire to take a hack saw to the buddha. Five steps forward, three steps back is still 2 forward, right?

Fit from within - Victoria Moran. A very good daily read.

JeAnne

12/1/2003 04:58 pm link to this post