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Saturday February 28

WOWEE I DID IT!!!!!

I am no chicken shit after all!

I love triplextattoo! Erik rocks!



2/28/2004 07:24 pm link to this post

So I'm a Mode gal!

Well I'm finally finding some time to update here. I'm hoping that in the near future I will take some time for picture updating and general site updating, but my work time has changed significantly..meaning I have more of it. This is a good thing..no complaints here. It's just finding time to balance everything happening in my life. A lot has happened literally and metaphorically in the few weeks since I have posted.


First off, I did two weeks of Weight Watchers and gained 1 pound (insert maniacal laughter). The first week I went over flex points, but didn't count activity points and I went up. The second week I portioned out all the flex and ate them without going over and without counting activity. I gained. I broke down and started crying and the leader gave me a plateau sheet to read.
Now, for the record, Weight Watcher's plateau sheets and booklets SUCK. They know that plateaus happen, but they assume that 99.9 percent of people who plateau are doing something wrong. So that's what they address which means that people end up feeling like they are big huge failures when they are following the program and not getting anywhere. I spent that weekend in tearfest with hubby saying, "honey, I thought you weren't going to weigh in every week". He didn't want me to go back to being an emotional mess and I'm here to tell you that neither did I.

So a week passed and then I had a fabulous weekend in Las Vegas...like really fabulous. We saw Evanescence at House of Blues and they were fantastic (AMY ROCKS!!!)!!! Default opened for her (I had never heard of them) ...also fantastic...so it was a great evening of music. I LOVED House of Blues...small house, the artist is practically on top of you with large screens as well for people in the cheap and comfortable seats. We did a little gambling (I graduated from the slot machines to black jack..you should see all the vacation pics..my eyes are half shut due to lack of sleep - but I'm smiling!), a lot of people watching, a lot of shows and music (a little live celtic music one night, Zumanity which is a sexy cirque de soleil show,
and a jousting at Excalibur). I was amazed with how much Vegas has changed and
developed and how much there is to do in each hotel/casino. It was great to see brides everywhere (Valentine's day) and it was just cool...not a relaxing
vacation but a fun one.

On the exercise front, I did none in Vegas mostly because I functioned on 4
hours of sleep for the 4 days we were there and because there was no gym in the
particular hotel we stayed in. I missed it and when I came home kung fu totally kicked my weenie ass and I loved it. On the food front, I ate what I wanted and when we thought about eating...less frequently than I usually do but more per sitting. I made some good choices and some fun choices adding a drink here or there when the opportunity presented itself (like free ones when you're gambling!) and had dessert on Valentines night. I ate more calories I'm sure, but amazingly enough pretty much felt the same physically as when I'm obsessing and felt so much better mentally because I wasn't. When I wasn't journaling, weighing, counting and planning, amazingly enough I didn't bust any zippers and when I got home, my suits still fit. No puede ser! Increible! (Spanish 101)

I feel like I have been hit with the smart stick. The lightbulb has gone off and I have woken up from my year long fog and now realize that I AM LIVING THE DREAM. You heard me. I stand before you loud and proud and say (and mean it!) that I could care less if I never lose another single solitary pound.

The bottom line is I don't have it in me to obsess right now. Apart from vacationing in St Lucia and Vegas, I have been planning, journaling, weighing and counting while trying to lose and losing weight since 9/00. I'm dieted out right now. I linked on my blog to someone else's blog on a "fuck it" diet and for the most part that's how I feel...the only exception being I like kung fu and therefore activity. A little side note on Zumanity...the show had two overweight goddess shaped beauties in their show and I found them sexy and erotic and they were larger than me. This gave me new perspective on how I've been viewing myself every day lately. Instead of being happy I'm a sexy size 14, I've been moaning and bitching that I'm not a size 12. Instead of being thrilled that I broke two boards and I'm onto my fourth kick in kung fu, I'm crying because I'm up .6 or .4. I'm tired of not being just happy where I
am. I'm tired of thinking about food and I'm tired of logging miles on the
elliptical. I was so happy in st lucia and in vegas...not necessarily because I wasn't working or was having more sex or whatever...I was happy because I woke up in the morning and felt good and the first thought of the day was not...ok, let's see if I can stay in range...if I have cottage cheese now, I can have full fat dressing later...I'm not going to eat sugar today...well I have points for a treat now...oh no, I have 4 points left for the day and it's only 1pm! Yadda yadda yadda...

I know in some way this sounds like an incredible cop out, but it's where I am. I have one pair of capris that are not buttoning that I would like to be able to wear this summer. That's the only goal I have right now. For now, no more anything I don't feel like doing and no more food manipulation, bartering, and compromising. Food just shouldn't have that much power and basically I need a fucking break. And not a "I'm on vacation break and therefore can eat anything I want", nor a "it's free day and I'm going to pork out!" But a "I don't want my life to revolve around food".

I have felt progressively better since I came to this decision. It's been about two weeks now and I've just been journaling. I sort of point/calorie
count by second nature so I know where I am...it's around 1800-1900 cal per day. If this is my maintaining point with exercise, I'm ok with this. I had two weeks with no binging, no worries, no overcompensating or under doing, no
negotiation. No buttons are popping, double chins aren't appearing and I'm still enjoying the gym. Somehow I think there was this fear that if I stopped trying to lose, that I would turn into the slug loser I was before I found the gym. NOT! It's like all of a sudden when I say I can have whatever I want,
it doesn't really matter what I have 1/2 the time. It's awesome! My birthday was a big calorie day because well it was my birthday and Mardi Gras and I went out for lunch, dinner and drinkie poos at Coyote Ugly. And it feels good. I even got up on the bar and had a little dance with a coyote! WOOT! And no one threw tomatoes and no one laughed at the fat girl on the bar and I felt (and feel) incredibly free. I feel amazingly good about myself, buddha belly and all. I mean what the fuck, I'm a healthy size 14! I AM STRONG!! I AM BEAUTIFUL!!! I AM FIT!!! I don't need no stinking size 8 to be a fierce and fabulous woman..and damn sexy to boot! The only place that really jiggles on my body is my buddha belly. My legs and ass are like brickhouse baby thanks to kung fu. I even see more tricep definition thanks to all the freaking punching and pushups they make us do. I'm feeling so good about all this that I've decided it's time for my goal reward...a tattoo. I met with the artist with my ideas and we have an appt for today! WOOT~!

(For those who are interested it's the three legs symbol for the Isle of Mann who's motto translates to "whichever way you throw me, I still stand" with a butterfly goddess superimposed on top) Yes I have a fear of needles and yes I'm scared shitless, but I'm also psyched. This is where it's at. I am no longer holding out for when I'm size whatever. I'm living like I'm at goal...not like some starved desert island inhabitant who gets to have a buffet every so often.

Who knows that the future has in store? It could be this wacky no diet thing actually has me lose weight or it could be I just get stronger and healthier with good eating choices,exercise and kung fu. In the future when I know
where my maintainance point is, I may want to cut calories a bit to see if I
lose again. But I dont see it right now. I'm happier than I've been in regards to my self/self image in a long time.

On other fronts, work is busy but the people are great. I got an unexpected
large bonus, a substantial raise (so the job move was a good one!!!) and we're
getting taxes back so life is good. We have decided to stay in our smaller apt
and put work into it to make it more "ours". We also took a huge step and bought a vacation share while in vegas. I'm anticipating some fun travel in the forseeable future.

I still plan to keep the site going as y'all know I regularly turn things around. I have no intention of going backwards and am hoping this decision pushes me forward on many levels. Life is good. I am blessed with the body I have been given and the one I have worked for.

Be strong everyone and thanks for listening. :)

xoxo
JeAnne


2/28/2004 07:29 am link to this post

Tuesday February 17

The latest...

I would love to sit and write out my latest thoughts, but things are just swamped at work and looking like they are not clearing up anytime soon. So until I have time to update my latest (which may mean I change my mind by then!), my thoughts currently are running along these lines with the only difference being my love of kung fu and therefore physical activity:

"Margaret's fuck it diet"

more later...



2/17/2004 02:20 pm link to this post

Monday February 2

"Fighter"

I have found nirvana...better than Ben and Jerry's. I would like to introduce you to Betty, my new found love, my MP3 player. Chaz being the fabulosorama hubby that I cherish and adore got me a little early birthday present and it was literally love at first sight. Imagine you're in your favorite record store and the cds they are selling only contain your very favorite songs without all the filler. Imagine being able to pick and choose the order of songs you want to listen to, or creating a workout list, a walk home list, a groovy mellow list, an I wanna get funky list and so on and so on and so on. I put this baby on and I'm my own private dancer...hell, move over Britney!

So I spent the entire weekend with my eyeballs crusting over from lack of blink moisture, staring at the computer screen and downloading songs (dell gives you 10 for free and then it's 99 cents a track) and copying songs from already owned cds. I searched, catalogued, sang and danced my brains out, and had the fastest 45 minutes ever spent on the elliptical.

So I'm a little slow on the uptake and downloaded the greatness that is Christina's "Fighter" song. Holy crap, that is some deep and good shit folks. Not only is it a kick ass dance/workout tune, not only is she a fierce little singer, but it's just a bad ass, tough, strong message. And I'm all for it. The girl is real, that's all there is. Post all the altered pictures of her gaining 10 pounds you want, she sings circles around Ms. Spears. I give Britney her dues though..I'm also grooving to her duet with the glorious Ms. Madonna.

So I want to thank the scale for doing whatever it hell it feels like doing. I want to thank the kung fu masters who kick my booty and push me towards perfection. I'm even thankful for the dressing room breakdowns, the gym class embarassments, the binges and tears I've had in my life.

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

JeAnne


2/2/2004 05:23 pm link to this post