Web Haunts

Sunday May 22

for Joanna

Good questions in the last comment section so I thought I would post them here!

1)Did you and your hubby buy the house (I know you were looking)

After months of looking and 2 deals falling through (don't ask..it's this totally crazy ass market), we finally bought a house!! We closed in October and moved the week before Thanksgiving..of which I hosted for 6 people :D It's not quite "handyman special" condition, but it definitely needed TLC. The price was right and every weekend we add to it and it transforms into our perfect little home. I am deliriously domestic and loving it! And finally I can do something to a place and not worry about whether I'm going to lose a security deposit ;)

2) I never read the blog as to why you decided not to become a professional opera singer.

I think I blogged it way back in the beginning as my decision not to be a pro singer was an idea that stemmed pre weight loss when I spent 12 weeks in no where Iowa singing for an apprentice program and hating every second of it. It solidified and became a concrete decision right around the 50lb loss mark. My entire feelings on the subject are far too great to get into in a concise answer. The reader's digest version is as follows: I have sung for as long as I can remember. I went through years of private lessons and public choirs. I got into Music School on full scholarship and while I was there, I had a blast. I was an undergraduate performing on stage with orchestra. I had leading roles 3 out of the 4 years I was there and it was unbelievable putting on a show and being imbroiled in all the drama that comes with being with a bunch of college age kids who think they know everything and they're so talented and so cool and so..blahblahblah. Anyhoo I graduated along with several other people who paid for my scholarship and never saw a stage from the front lights so to speak. I moved to NYC and got a great soloist job at St Patrick's Cathedral. It was the best of times and the worst of times. I was paying out the wazoo to get five million opinions...from teachers, coaches, accompanists etc.. I was sending out lots of applications for big apprentice programs and not even getting auditions. Finally I did land one and spent a summer away from my sweetheart with lots of ..ahem...ok I'll just say it...mediocre to down right schlocky singers. Some were good, but most were fair to middling. I watched 40 yr old singers trying to peddle their wares selling themselves while also trying to convince themselves that they were still going to hit it big. I did not want to be 40 and broke for the love of song which I had already started to lose. I did not want a b-c level career where I worked for 1 month out of the year and spent the rest of the year begging for singing jobs. I guess I just didn't love it that much. My friend Matthew (he's actually a mgr now and I really love him to pieces) always says that if there is anything else, ANYTHING, that you can do other than sing, do it. In order to make it, you have got to have that fire burning in your belly 24/7. I did not. It was fun for me and I had fun while I was coasting along. When I realised how shitty the business end of it was, I wanted out. I didn't want po dunk opera house in the middle of nowhere...I wanted the Met or nothing. So some people think I copped out or "wasted" my talent or gave it up for the man...that's ok. I just think I'm smart. I figured out what I wanted and what I didn't early enough to still enjoy my future. Also when I started losing weight, it was like a whole other world opened up for me. I don't think people really realize how different the world is 100 lbs skinnier and closer to "normal" society. I developed hobbies and my time devoted to practicing turned into exploring the five gazillion other things I'm pretty good at. It's all good!

3) Are you and hubby considering to have kids (regarding pcos).
Hell no! Er...I mean no :D Chaz and I had the kids conversation way before the engagement ring was on my finger! I have incredibly strong feelings about my life as a parent and decided a long time ago this was not the life I wanted to have. Lucky for me, Chaz was right on board with me! I do know many women who have had probs with PCOS and they have been able to conceive with help of meds, diet and just plain trying! I would definitely check in with your ob/gyn on that one.

Anyhoo...my reader's digest ended up being not so condensed :)

j





5/22/2005 09:01 pm link to this post

Friday May 20

Anatomy of a binge

I've had a long time to sort of sit and ponder the "binge". It took a long time to figure out the difference between overeating like a normal person does occasionally and binging. Once I figured that part out, I had to come to terms with the fact that I have this compulsion every so often that never completely goes away and that can be controlled...some times quite easily and other times with great difficulty.

A binge is not always standing in front of the refrigerator and inhaling everything that is not nailed down...it's not necessarily quantity. It's also not quality of food. It's more the urge and compulsion to temporarily check out with food. Mentally, you are manipulating food to either fill an emotional void or you are wanting the escape that somehow food provides. For me it's more often than not the "check out". I get this overwhelming urge to eat...eat something. A pause from daily responsibility, daily monotony. A sense of freedom because you are doing something for yourself that no one knows about because if they did they would judge you (not really, but that's what the head is saying). Binging happens in secret. It's a guilty pleasure followed by a guilty punishment. Binging emotionally removes you from reality and puts you in a place where you can beat yourself up and wallow in worthlessness. Binging large quanities of food does physically fill you up. With that fill comes a chemical reaction. Stomach is secreting chemicals into your stomach to settle it which has a calming effect. Food chemicals are pumping through your bloodstream altering pleasure centers, energy levels etc.. Who says food isn't an addiction?

But, like an addiction it can be overcome with regular diligence. With not caving into the food. With replacing the hand to mouth action with another action and enforcing/rewarding a positive behavior.

In other news, or not as the case may be...I saw the doctor yesterday for a bloodwork update. No weight loss. No weight gain. I still hold my 100lb throne. If all I ever do is hold this throne that is ok for me. I can only do what I can do. Everything else is a glorious bonus for which I will be truly grateful for when and if it comes. I deserve to be healthy and happy. Skinny would be nice, but it no longer has the hold over me that it did before.

I've toyed with the idea of pulling this site down. Part of me thinks it's probably depressing for people to see the lack of scale progress. Then again, there's no failure either. Is it worth it to you to have a recording of the process? Is it worth it to me?

j


5/20/2005 09:50 am link to this post